10 Best Monologues In Seinfeld (2024)

Led by series creators Jerry Seinfeld and Larry David, Seinfeld had some of the strongest writing in the history of television. The show’s writers developed their own snappy, idiosyncratic style of dialogue that captured the music of conversation and gave the actors plenty of behavioral quirks to play around with.

Across nine seasons, Seinfeld featured its fair share of unwieldy monologues that actors like Jason Alexander and Wayne Knight knocked out of the park. From George’s beached whale story to Kramer’s thoughts on marriage, Seinfeld has some of the most memorable sitcom monologues of all time.

Kramer Breaks Up With Ellen (And Then Reunites With Her)

Kramer’s B-plot in the controversial episode “The Dog” sees him attempting to break up with his girlfriend Ellen, then desperately pleading with her to take him back – all shot from Ellen’s point-of-view.

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At first, Kramer unloads everything he dislikes about his soon-to-be-ex-girlfriend: “You sit around here all day. You contribute nothing to society! You’re just taking up space. How could I be with someone like you?” Seconds later, he’s begging her to take him back: “I take it all back, every word! I love you! I love you! I can’t live without you, I’ll do anything!”

Newman’s Foreshadowing In The Finale

Seinfeld fans were divided on “The Finale,” which ended with the gang being solemnly taken to jail for breaking the “Good Samaritan” law, but Newman gets a great monologue early in the episode.

After Jerry refuses to take him to Paris, Newman unleashes nine seasons’ worth of fury on his long-time nemesis: “Mark my words, Seinfeld, your day of reckoning is coming, when an evil wind will blow through your little play world and wipe that smug smile off your face. And I’ll be there in all my glory, watching, watching as it all comes crumbling down!” This monologue hilariously foreshadows the grim fate that awaits Jerry and his friends en route to the French capital.

Detective Bookman Takes Jerry To Task

In “The Library,” Jerry butts heads with Lt. Joe Bookman, a so-called library cop played hysterically straight by guest star Philip Baker Hall. Hall nails a noir-tinged monologue delivered by a hard-boiled detective who tracks down overdue library books.

He confronts Jerry in his apartment: “Let me tell you something, funny boy. Y’know that little stamp, the one that says ‘New York Public Library’? Well, that may not mean anything to you, but that means a lot to me. One whole hell of a lot.”

Kramer Figures Out George’s Secret Code

George refuses to reveal his ATM code to anybody, including his fiancée Susan, in season 7’s “The Secret Code.” As soon as Kramer finds out how secretive he is about his ATM code, he starts probing George’s mind to deduce what it could be.

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Hecomes close to figuring it out in a few short steps: “Well, we can throw out birthdays immediately. That’s too obvious. And no numbers for you, you’re a word man. All right, let’s go deeper... what kind of man are you? Well, you’re weak... spineless... a man of temptations... but what tempts you?”

The Mail Never Stops

Newman finally reveals his line of work in “The Old Man.” When George asks what Newman does, he proudly announces, “I’m a United States postal worker.”

George asks why there’s such a high crime rate in Newman’s profession and it triggers a meltdown: “Because the mail never stops! It just keeps coming and coming and coming. There’s never a let-up, it’s relentless. Every day, it piles up more and more and more, and you gotta get it out. But the more you get it out, the more it keeps coming in!”

Kramer Is Batman

In season 5’s “The Fire,” George’s cowardice is hilariously contrasted with Kramer’s heroism. Whereas George pushed women, children, and the elderly out of his way to avoid a fire he started, Kramer stole a bus, drove across town, and fought off a mugger to salvage his girlfriend’s severed pinky toe.

Kramer’s retelling of this story is just as thrilling as it would be if audiences got to see it on-screen – if not more so. The monologue ends with a great punchline when an incredulous George asks, “You did all this... for a pinky toe?” and Kramer quips, “Well, it’s a valuable appendage.”

If We Pick, Do We Not Bleed?

In the season 4 episode “The Pick,” a supermodel that Jerry is dating loses interest in him after she believes she’s seen him picking his nose at a red light while waiting in traffic. Jerry insists it was a scratch, not a pick, but she refuses to believe him.

When he finally confronts her about it, he launches into a dramatic monologue in which he paraphrases everyone from William Shakespeare to the Elephant Man: “Are we not human? If we pick, do we not bleed? I am not an animal!”

The Magic Loogie

The two-part episode “The Boyfriend” uses guest star Keith Hernandez for a hilarious storyline about the difficulties of making new friends as an adult. Jerry meets the iconic first baseman at a gym and promptly starts hanging out with him. Kramer and Newman are appalled that Jerry is spending time with Hernandez, due to a past indiscretion during which (they claim) he spat at them.

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Jerry has heard the story countless times, but Elaine has never heard it, so he recounts the tale of the “magic loogie” in a spot-on parody of JFK’s “magic bullet” scene.

Kramer On Marriage

In the season 7 premiere “The Engagement,” Jerry makes a pact with George to get married and have kids when they start to wonder if there’s more to life. Back at his apartment, Kramer assures Jerry, “There isn’t.”

What follows is a hysterically blunt take on the time-tested but overrated institution of marriage: “You wake up in the morning – she’s there. You go to sleep at night – she’s there. It’s like you gotta ask permission to use the bathroom: is it all right if I use the bathroom now!?”

The Sea Was Angry That Day, My Friends!

All throughout the season 5 episode “The Marine Biologist,” George pretends to be a marine biologist to keep up a lie created by Jerry (and to impress the “it” girl). The deceit comes to a head when George and his new beau are walking on the beach and stumble across a beached whale.

As George marches out to sea to save the whale’s life using expertise he doesn’t really have, the shot dissolves to Monk’s Café, where he’s telling the story to Jerry, Elaine, and Kramer. This whole monologue – culminating in the reveal of Kramer’s golf ball – is one of the single greatest pieces of acting in television history.

NEXT: 10Seinfeld Episodes That'll Never Get Old

10 Best Monologues In Seinfeld (2024)
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